Friday, May 27, 2005

New screenwriting ideas for "Law and Order"

Hat tip to Neal Boortz. He's some outstanding ideas for NBC:
The season finale of the show featured a storyline on judicial security. Detectives think a white supremacist is involved in the shootings of a judge's family. Here's part of the dialogue from that show:

ADA RON CARVER: An African American judge, an appellate court judge, no less.

MAN: Chief of DS is setting up a task force. People are talking about multiple assassination teams.

DET. ALEX EAMES: Looks like the same shooters. CSU found the slug in a post, matched it to the one that killed Judge Barton. Maybe we should put out an APB for somebody in a Tom DeLay T-Shirt.

Come on, folks. Can it be any more blatant? The strong suggestion here is that Tom DeLay supporters are the type that would be likely to shoot federal judges. Now ... tell me that there is no left-wing bias in this writing. Needless to say, Tom DeLay is torqued. He's fired off a letter to NBC protesting. It will go nowhere. In fact, NBC Entertainment President Kevin Reilly has come up with an excuse ... sort of: Reilly says: "The script line involved an exasperated detective bedeviled by a lack of clues, making a sarcastic comment about the futility of looking for a suspect when no specific description existed," Yeah, we're buying that one. Good try, Kevin.

Now ... The Talkmaster has turned screenwriter. I thought I would give writing a few scenes for Law & Order a shot. Here's my first effort:

ADA RON CARVER: "She looks like she was alive when the car went off the bridge"

MAN: "Why didn't she get out? The water is only four feet deep here."

CARVER: "Dunno. Maybe she was dazed. The door might have been jammed. Anyway, she suffocated. Lack of air. Must have been a brutal death.

MAN: "Was she driving when the car went off the bridge?"

CARVER: "Doesn't look like it. The seat is too far back for her to have been driving. Looks like someone taller .. a lot heavier."

DET. ALEX EAMES: "Check the car to see if it has a Ted Kennedy bumper sticker."

What fun! Here's another one.

CARVER: "Someone give her a tissue. Her lip's all bloody.

POLICE OFFICER: "That's the way we found her."

CARVER: "Where?"

POLICE: "In a hotel room. She was just laying on the bed, bleeding from this bite mark on her lip. Pretty beat up.

CARVER: "What's she saying?"

POLICE: "Says she was raped. Says some guy invited himself up to her room. He was going to talk to her about a job or something. He raped her."

CARVER: "The blood?"

POLICE: "He bit her on the lip."

DET. ALEX EAMES: "Let's put out an APB for someone wearing a Bill Clinton t-shirt."

Sorry ... I just can't stop myself. This script writing stuff is fun!

POLICE: We think she was involved in setting this whole thing up.

CARVER: How's that?

POLICE: We think she set up a phony corporation for them so that they could operate below the radar.

CARVER: We're going to need proof. We'll need her billing records.

POLICE: We got a warrant. Looked for them. They're not there.

CARVER: Did you ask her?

POLICE: Says they're gone. She doesn't have them, and doesn't even know if any exist.

DET. ALEX EAMES: Sounds like the Hillary Clinton excuse. Keep looking, they'll turn up. Probably with her fingerprints and handwriting all over them. She'll keep denying it though .. even when the evidence is right there in front of her.

I ask you to imagine, if you can, the outrage that would come pouring forth from the nation's liberal media if any of those punchy little vignettes actually appeared on a network television show. We would see stories damming NBC for using that dialogue and making those references to liberal icons. But in this case all NBC did was suggest that DeLay supporters kill federal judges. That's not bias .. that's entertainment.